Bygone
by Maige
Summary: Two times where Integra's increasing age is a bitch to deal with, one where it brings uncertainty, and one where she knows everything will be fine.


oh god Im so used to ao3 now i forgot to put this authors note in before uploading this lmao

anyway - hi hello. as noted ive been over on ao3 for the past some years, but as my writing mojo has finally been starting to creep its stubborn way back in, I thought it'd be nice to get all nostalgic and post some of my stuff here. : I've wrangled my way through many fandoms since my Hetalia days here, and atm am positively addicted to Hellsing. So please expect more of that soon!

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Integra would be hard pressed to ever verbally admit that one of the worst things about getting older was the fact that as the years ticked on by, your body became more and more adamant on rebelling against you, as if it were a petulant teenager who dyed their hair black in order to revolt against being forced to go to church.

Even if she often thought as much.

Stairs became more difficult to use. Your five core senses began to weaken and dull, requiring you to squint foolishly at the blue light-laden screen's today technology used, and ask everyone around you to repeat the question again. And if you were especially lucky, a simple fall that would have done nothing more than bruise your younger self now came with the added risk of breaking something.

(Thankfully Integra had only twisted her ankle, but that didn't stop Seras from toting her around in her arms like they were a newly-wed couple, fussing endlessly and refusing to let her back down for the next three bloody hours.)

The aches and pains were a particular, well, pain in the ass - they were as stubborn as they woman they laid their daggers into, and were cruel enough to come about at the worst possible times.

For instance, most would consider one of the worst possible times to be when one was with their partner. With not a care in the world for anything other than the hand grasping a clumped bunch of platinum hair . She was bent over, back arched into a bow position, when she felt that twinge. That twinge that every person was going to get at least a few times in their lives, whether it was because they were young and had been pushing their body too hard, or because they were old and this is simply how it went even when they were doing menial tasks, such as bending over to tie their shoe. That twinge that went along right down your spine and straight to your buttocks in short, agonizing bursts. That twinge that made her immediately still and hiss through her teeth, resisting the urge to curse.

Seras was almost instantly up, concern already evident in her voice. "Are you alright?"

Before Integra could give an indigent 'no', Seras had already reversed their positions, gently laying the other woman where she had been lying a second before. The girl was stupidly doting, even after thirty years, and usually Integra would've found it to be rather sweet - but at this moment, with the way she was being treated like she were made out of fine china, the ginger touches did nothing to help the foul grumpiness beginning to cloud over her brain.

"Do you need me to grab some painkillers?"

She was surprisingly fit for a woman in her early 50's (the word 'surprisingly' was used to her near-chain smoking habits Integra had as a younger lady, and the occasional cigar she still smoked now), but the aches and pains that simply came naturally with aging were already becoming prevalent in her older bones. Seras was always there with some aid and a cheeky little quip; perhaps the reason why she was forgoing the typical teasing was because this particular spark of pain really did hurt like a bloody bitch, and this was the first time something like this had ever interrupted one of their lovemaking sessions.

But despite the massive discomfort, Integra merely waved off Seras' concern with a scowl and a sniff. "No, I'm fine."

"No, you aren't." The response was immediate. One brilliant red eye (why was it that the majority of the remaining Hellsing members only had one visible eye?) narrowed down at her. "I know that you know that I felt that the instant you felt that, so don't you go trying to act like you're not trying to lie as stiff as possible so you don't make it worse!"

There were many elements of being mated to a vampire whilst you were still a human that many would consider to be the worst, and although Integra for the most part couldn't complain, the lack of privacy could certainly be annoying. Every physical feel, every emotional feel, Seras would experience it as well. And as a human, even one who tamed vampires, it was more or less impossible for her to close out that connection. Only the concerned Draculina hovering over her could do that.

"...then why did you bother asking?" Integra replied sourly, wincing as another short cramp tore briefly through her lower back. She sounded a bit like a sulky child asking this, a sharp contrast to how terribly old she was feeling.

Seras merely gave her a pointed look, before leaning down to press a kiss against her forehead. A swarm of momentarily overtook the younger girl, materializing into casual night clothes. "I'll be back in a moment."

Another torrent of swirling shadows overcame Integra's vision, and then she was found alone.

Naked.

In pain.

A mite sexually frustrated.

And incredibly thankful she had bothered to strictly order Alucard to stay in his basement chambers when she and Seras were alone.

She huffed at the thought, leaning back into her pillows. The plush material was helping ease the aches, even if it was by the slightest, and as she waited for Seras to come back she stared up at the ceiling. Irritation was what Integra had been initially feeling, but now embarrassment was starting to creep in, and that was just making the irritation worse.

Seras didn't seem to mind the interruption. Of course the vampire would only be worried about Integra's wellbeing, not caring about not being able to get off. But Integra was stubborn and prideful, and being put down for the count during intimate activities because of some back pain was incredibly humiliating.

Even worse, the situation brought up the idea that this pain could happen at an even worse time. Right now she was in a cushy bed with a doting girlfriend to look after her, but it would be catastrophic if this happened while confronting someone meaning to do her harm. So far she hadn't experienced this while doing her fencing lessons, and at least that was a blessing.

Integra sighed and continued to look upwards, not paying much mind when that familiar swirl of inky shadows materialized back into the room. The little patterns and bumps that made up the ceiling were nothing but a mass of blur now, her eyes having gotten a touch worse in the last few years; at the very least, her poor sight was a constant, needing glasses since before she could remember.

The bed dipped beside her and Seras' face came back into view. "Can you sit up?"

This time her mouth had turned up into a small smirk, clearly now starting to find some humour in the situation. Usually Integra would've snapped back at her quite viciously, and certainly that cheeky little smile gave her a pinch of irritation; but it was admittedly a bit better than being treated delicately. Integra couldn't stand being blatantly pitied, and the mixture of concern and sardonic amusement was better than Seras only fretting.

So instead Integra grumbled out a, "Yes," followed by a quick, "And if you dare try to say that I'm actually otherwise, I will not hesitate to spike all of your blood bags with garlic."

The pain had truthfully subsided enough to allow her to prop herself up, still leaning against the pillows.

Seras held her hands up, a small bottle in one and a glass of water in the other, now grinning. One fang had wormed out and was poking at her bottom lip, a habit that Integra had always found endearing (even after three decades). "Well you still have the strength to make a threat towards me, so I know you're already feeling better!"

The Hellsing head said nothing to this, instead waving her hand in a 'gimme' manner. She was given the pill bottle and glass, washing down two of the gel tablets. Seras had now laid beside her, watching silently. It was fairly dark in the room and the younger girl's eye glowed, surveying intently.

"That felt like it really hurt," Seras commented after a moment.

Integra hesitated, before affirming, "It did."

"I know its normal, a natural process," Seras went on, more slowly this time. She certainly would be able to feel Integra's unwillingness to discuss the topic. "But isn't it usually, uh, also a sign that you should slow down-"

That wasn't the right thing to say. Integra had turned her head sharply with a look that could've killed Seras all over again, if looks could kill, forcing the Midian to raise her hands in another 'don't shoot me please' sign. "Seras…"

"If it makes you feel better, if it gets to that point I won't let you just hobble around, or be stuck in a wheelchair. I'll just carry you everywhere!"

It evidently did not help as, even with her achy back and all, Seras had to scramble away before Integra had the opportunity to dump the rest of her water atop her head, lunging as she did so.

"Are you two together?"

The question came from one Mr. Davies, a member of the group who aided in supplying the funds that kept Hellsing afloat. He was an alright fellow, with a severe face that contradicted his simple nature and penchant for popping out usually inappropriate questions with a wholly innocent air. Said questions were never actually asked with any malice or intent to offend, and by this point, during the occasions where Integra was face to face with him (such as now, during the parties the Hellsing house held to appease connections surrounding it).

Yet this one managed to catch her off guard.

Integra blinked. "Pardon?"

Momentarily Mr. Davies seemed to realize that this might not be the best thing to ask, before gesturing to behind the Hellsing heir. "Your - um - lady friend. The one who works under you."

Following his gesture brought Integra's gaze to Seras. She stood several feet behind them, engaging in polite conversation with another guest. The red uniform was replaced with a simple similarly hued dress and her shadowed arm was temporarily made to look normal; as despite many of the guests being well aware that Hellsing was a supernatural-based organization, Integra still wished for said guests to be as at ease as they could.

Quickly Seras had shown herself able to break out what she called her 'wallflower phase' and completely defy her Master's sort of social etiquette, by becoming an excellent host. Most of the men - and plenty of the women as well - became utterly smitten with her, charmed by her pleasant personality and 100-watt smile, and more than once did Integra wryly joke they might as well use her looks to help keep their funds secure.

Needless to say, she was an absolute blessing when social events came around.

Yet they had a few decades of Seras endearing the folks at their yearly gatherings and this was the first time anyone had ever brought up the possibility of the two women being an item.

"This is only the - ah - second time, I believe, I've been to one of these parties held by you," Mr. Davies went on, "But I couldn't help but notice that you two look quite close."

She wasn't sure how she should respond to this. Her relationship with the Draculina was a fact that strictly stayed within the household, and strictly stayed with those who worked inside its walls. "We are. Seras had been my right-hand man for quite some time now, and has helped keep Hellsing up for several years. I don't know what I'd do without her."

"Yes. Well." The elderly man looked down at the glass in his hand. "I hope you don't mind my saying, but you appear to be even closer than that. Not that I am judging, it's much more acceptable now-a-days, isn't it? Why, I think it's been around twenty-five years or so since - er - same sex marriage was legalized."

Integra steeled herself, opening her mouth to respond with a firm but polite 'Well I do mind, and why are you even asking this in the first place', before Mr. Davies looked back up, mouth curled into a gentle smile.

"I apologize for bringing it up so suddenly, but over the night I could not help but catch you continually looking at her. And it wasn't the sort of look you'd give an employee to make sure they were behaving…" His smile turned nostalgic. "It reminded me of how my daughter looks at her wife. They live over in America, and her Mother and I don't get to see them that often. But they look at each other like that so often, just full of love. With the world how it is, it's wonderful to see that sort of look continue to pass between others."

Again she couldn't respond. Instead Integra again looked over, Seras still there and chatting away. Their eyes caught, and she was treated to that brilliant, beaming grin.

"Don't worry Ms. Hellsing." A wrinkled hand patted one of her own. "I won't tell anyone, if it's not supposed to be known."

"...Thank you, Mr. Davies," Integra finally said, tearing her gaze away from the vampire. "I will admit, she is rather special to me."

Mr. Davies smiled again, and from there Integra assumed they were going to spend the next moment in a more companionable silence as they drank.

Until his voice once again piped up with, "I do hope you can keep up with her though."

Again. "Excuse me?"

"She looks like such a young one!" This time the smile was filled with mirth, as he chuckled. "I know many of us older folk seem to enjoy having younger partners - I believe it's caused quite a bit of controversy, hasn't it?"

A stupidly rosy flush rose from her neck as the old man began to prattle on about the dangers of having a girlfriend with an age difference when you were in the public's eye.

God dammit.

"Wow," was all Seras had to say after Integra made the foolish mistake to vent about the old man's worries. She tilted her head to the side, mulling over what she was told. "You could've told him that I'm only a few years younger than you."

"I could've," Integra groused, "But I was too bloody humiliated to be getting what was essentially a sex talk

"Well, look on the bright side." The vampire lowered the blood bag she had been feeding from. The last guest had left not ten minutes before, and she had immediately made way to the kitchen for something to eat. "At least he didn't straight out call you a _cougar._"

Howling laughter erupted from the depths of the manor, crazed and high and undoubtedly startling the absolute hell out of those cleaning up the after party.

For fuck's sake. As Integra wished she could sink into the floor in the same manner her pets could, Seras pouted down at said floor. "Master! You know she ordered you not to spy on us."

"I believe that was only when you two were in the middle of one of your trysts," came the ancient vampire's tone, sounding like it came from right below the kitchen tiles. Amusement dripped off his every word.

"I think it also counts for when we're discussing something she doesn't want you to hear," Seras shot back, cheeks turning pink. Where a younger Seras, before she drank blood, was frightened of her Master and alternated between avoiding him and craving his validation, thirty years had turned her into infuriatingly becoming alike to him; which meant much banter, and smart-ass remarks.

"I'm afraid my Master did not specify this." He chuckled, the sardonic grin surely planted on his mug clearly visible in Integra's mind, despite him not showing his face. "And what a wonderful loophole that is. I must thank Seras for introducing me that phrase - cougar?" Another chuckle. "In my day, Master, we would call you a cradle robber."

And this is where she drew the line to this conversation. "Both of you, out."

Alarmed, Seras looked back down to her meal. "But I haven't even finished-"

"_Out!"_

They both liked to tease her, but Seras was often the worst of the two. The girl could put on a smart mouth when she felt like it, and according to Pip she had been like this even when he was alive.

In particular she enjoyed touching on the subject of technology, as fast as it was going, and how many of the older generation had difficulty keeping up. Even though, in Integra's strong opinion, phones should be strictly for phone calls and getting into communication with others over important matters, and not taking constant pictures of yourself or playing tiny games, thank you very much.

(At least Alucard could not bully her over that, as even he had a bit of a tough time catching up with the massive technology boom that occurred during his absence. The first day Seras had given him a smartphone he had broken the screen, and then with the second one he had sent her upwards of 20 miscellaneous vampire related gifs, which included a few from the film 'what we do in the shadows' and several of a purple puppet.)

One of the trends she could not comprehend, as noted just before, was the adoration with taking pictures of onesself. As the modern vampire didn't follow the legend of not being able to be caught on a mirror or in film, Integra had found herself yanked beside Seras as her servant stretched her phone (which had a bat case) up above them (which apparently meant the photo would look better).

"Silly," was what Integra had said ruefully the first time Seras had taken a selfie with her. "Please don't tell me you intend to put it online."

A wide smile was all she got as an answer.

Then in the photo she had put a strawberry sticker over Integra's nose, to 'soften up the grumpy look on your face'. This was the start of several more years of snapshots. And several years later, Integra remained firm on her stance on what a phone should be for, and thought that the selfies wouldn't be all too bad if Seras didn't always prance around with them to show off her girlfriend.

"I should've taken a picture of us together at the party," Seras grumbled out of the blue a couple of days after the event. Her blonde mop of a head lay in Integra's lap, the elder woman's fingers running through the short strands.

"And why is that?"

"Because - well-" She fiddled with her uniform collar, embarrassment seeping into her voice. "It's not often I get to see you in a dress."

The mumbled statement was said so earnestly it made Integra pause. It seemed like such a useless thing to fret about - although it was true that she made a point to wear suits 99% of her business time - but Seras said it with such conviction, as if not having a picture of her boss in a dress forever implanted on her phone was making her genuinely saddened.

And knowing her, she wasn't faking this.

"...maybe next time, then." Leaning back, Integra reached into her pants pocket to retrieve her own phone. "But if it'll make you feel better, we can take one right now."

The head in her lap shifted, revealing a brow disappearing into the younger woman's fringe. "You're going to take it?" Lingering on the question was an unasked 'do you even know how to do it?'

"I can at least manage that."

She could not.

The length of Integra's knowledge of how to use a modern phone began and ended at phone calls and texting. Seras' screen was filled with all manner of apps, each with their own unique icon she personally placed, and simply looking for the one labeled camera on her own took her a moment.

After a moment of watching her fumble Seras sat up, gaze full of an amused warmth. "Let me help you."

Without a complaint Integra allowed her to take the phone, somehow feeling much older now than she had during the fucked-up back incident, and watched as Seras sat up to get the two in a proper photo-taking position.

"I'll be happy to teach you how to do this yourself!" the vampire chirped as she held the phone high. Their images reflected off of the small screen.

"I'm quite fine with keeping this your job," Integra replied dryly, complacent as Seras wrapped her good arm around her shoulders. "Why do you insist on taking so much anyway?"

Nearly three decades of this, and she had asked this a few times. The answers were usually something along the lines of 'I just like looking at pictures of you' (admittedly rather sweet) or 'I want to show off how beautiful my mate is' (admittedly sweet but also quite embarrassing). The usual sentimental sort of drivel she would expect to be the response.

Instead of the norm she was used to receiving, what came out of Seras' mouth this time was, "Because I want to make sure I have as many physical memories of you as I can."

Despite it's small size, Integra could clearly see her expression morph into surprise on camera. Seras' was wistful, nostalgic, reminding her of the expression Mr. Davies had given her when talking about the looks she and Seras exchanged. There was an underlying melancholy in that look that made Integra's chest promptly ache.

Seras turned to her, smile weaker than the usual but still filled with alarming bursts of affection. "Master once told me that even without photographs, he can remember every single thing that's happened in his life, and remember every person he's met. He can see their faces as clear as if they were right in front of him...especially those he loved."

A fleeting thought of Stroker's work came to mind, and one of the things that was accurate about it. _Oh Seras, you really are like your Master. Damned to only ever fall in love with mortals. _

"I know that you're not going to be here forever, and for all I know I could be here until humans finally wipe themselves out or the sun explodes," Seras continued. The phone was still poised upwards, and Integra couldn't take her eye away from it. "I know memories made by your brain are all well and good, but studies have shown apparently our memories aren't 100% accurate, and really with how Master is - his, well, mind and mental state - a lot of his could just be rubbish, and it'd be so much better to have actual physical evidence of how you were and how you looked."

She was beginning to ramble, that slight echo to her voice she obtained after drinking blood worsening with each word. Integra finally wrenched away from the screen to see a trail of red slip down Seras' cheek. But she was still smiling.

"I know you've been thinking about it more lately, and that your age has just been brought up more often." A shaky exhale. "It has me thinking more often about it too."

Even with the aging process mortality was almost a taboo subject, when you were surrounded by immortals. Alucard and Seras had God knows how many sunsets ahead of them, and the former captain of the Wild Geese would stay in the female vampire's soul for as long as she continued her undead life. To them, her dwindling days would certainly seem like a fleeting snapshot, just another head of the Hellsing organization, where many more would come after her.

Reaching forward to wipe away the bloody tear, Integra used the other to grasp the phone, fingers linking with Seras'.

"We will address that when the time comes. But for now you don't have to worry, I don't intend on going to my grave anytime soon."

Seras sniffled, grin wide enough to show both fangs. "I think I'd believe that more if you stopped smoking religiously. I mean that will shave a good couple of decades off of your life...and it's bad enough to have a Frenchman puffing away inside of me while you're doing the same on the outside."

With a chuckle Integra leaned forward, weather-lined fingers sinking into Seras' hair. "Yes ma'am."

Miraculously, her thumb managed to hit the shutter button spot on, just as their lips met.

Sometimes when Seras was strong and was in the mood, she enjoyed sleeping in a bed. Sometimes it was with a materialized Pip, in a twin-sized that sat beside her coffin in the basement. Other nights she simply stayed with Integra, as the other slept.

The typical English country-side rain poured outside the window, and as she lay there beside the girl Integra rubbed irritably at her arm. Perhaps it was just the ignorance of being young and healthy, but she had always imagined the prospect of the weather causing aches to be a myth of sorts, another old wives tale like if you shave your face the hair would come back thicker.

It wasn't. It wasn't some mystical thing that occured just because it was raining, it had something to do with the pressure in the air and the humidity and more than likely something to do with arthritis, but it still was bollocks nonetheless.

Seras was an odd sort of comfort. There was something soothing about the touch of her cool flesh - after the war she would often place her hand over Integra's now eyeless socket when the pain would flair up, and it would be numbed in a flash.

"I won't lie, sometimes I'm jealous of you," Integra huffed, as she tried to find a comfortable position to lay.

"It's not like I don't know what pain and discomfort is like anymore," Seras chirped innocently, bright eyed and bushy tailed thanks to her nocturnal nature. "I imagine this sort would be like the kind I get when I try to go into a church."

Not that bad of a comparison, really.

Integra hmped, turning on her side to face the girl. It would be hard not to compare herself to the vampire, physical differences and all. The fingers she would intertwine with her own were smooth to the touch, no visible veins or liver spots from the countless years of expensive cigars. An old soul in a young body.

And it wasn't just that - even if Seras showed her age, there would be something about her that was intensely youthful. She was always smiling, always cheerful, a constant source of light that made Integra's head swarm with dizzying amounts of love. Love that she wasn't sure she would trust herself to feel again, after losing so many dear to her.

"You're too beautiful to be sharing a bed with an old woman like me."

That glowing eye blinked rapidly, confused by the sudden remark. "I'm three years younger than you." She then propped herself up on one elbow, that cheeky smirk visible even in the dark. "Are you afraid I'm not going to want to be by your side once you get old enough to receive senior discounts?"

A huff of a laugh shook briefly shook Integra's frame, aggravating her sore body. "Are you certain you want to stay by me when I need a walker to hobble around, and I can't do anything by myself?"

"I already told you that I would carry you around." The warmth in her voice was like the sun she couldn't stand under. Seras leaned back down, looping her arms around her partner. Immediate relief flooded her bones. "I'll still be with you even when you're as old and grey as they come, when you can't see more than five inches in front of your face and you're made up of a bunch of saggy bits."

That earned a cuff over the head, which only earned Integra a laugh in return. "And you promise to keep that vow?"

"Of course! No matter how many times in the future strangers will decide to think of you as a cougar - or, um, a cradle robber like Master said."

The yelp Seras emitted as she was shoved off of the bed was almost worth having to suddenly move.

She thought of Pip and Alucard, and how when the time would eventually come, Seras wouldn't actually be alone. It was a comforting notion, one she replayed in her head over and over as the Midian complained and climbed back onto the sheets, curling herself around Integra once more with some choice grumbles.

It was that thought that Integra closed her eye, and that night she slept well.

Her joints no longer ached.


End file.
